He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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