Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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