sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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