We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize