Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
