Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
