apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
