She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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