im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
