I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
