it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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