she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
