there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
