So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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