Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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