Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
