I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
