You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
