Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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