so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
