Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
