HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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