i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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