Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
