Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
