It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
