oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
