My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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