im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
