Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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