I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
