Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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