How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Pants are for mortals
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
