Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
