We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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