My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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