I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
