I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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