We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
