i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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