WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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