Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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