Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
did i walk over a car last night?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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