Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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