my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
