I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
