I think I am morally bankrupt
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Randomize
