Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
