just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize