i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
