is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
