It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize