Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
