just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
