Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
