He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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