Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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