The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Are we still banned from the library?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
